Transcript: Donald Trump Takes The Presidential Oath


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DONALD TRUMP: Let’s get this over. I’m in a hurry for everyone to clap me and then I have a party and later some President stuff I would like to do. You would not believe the cuts.

SUPREME COURT CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS: This is a dignified occasion, Sir. No need to be rushing.

DT: I am no way Russian! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Putin? Great guy! And everyone on my team tells me the Russians are great to work with and what great ideas they have. The best people. Classy, too. The hotels…

SC: If we could move on.

DT: Well if you didn’t keep bringing up nasty stories, I won this election so nobody should say anything bad about me.

SC: “I, Donald Trump”

DT: You? Wrong! I don’t think so! Trump is me!

SC:

DT: I mean I understand why you would want be. They all do.

SC: Mr Trump.

DT: FAKE NEWS!

SC: Mr Trump.

DT: Better.

SC: When we admister the oath, I say the words for and then you repeat them.

DT: I don’t see why. I have really good words. Drain the Swamp! Arrest Crooked Hillary! We don’t use those any more, sure, but everyone agrees the were the best words.

SC: You have to say these words.

DT: Why?

SC: The Constitution says.

DT: You too, with this? I though that Constitution thing was just having guns, but now every day is, Constitution, Constitution. Telling me what I CAN’T do. Now you saying I HAVE to do things. BORING!

SC: “I, Donald Trump”

DT: Like ‘ethical’. Ethics this, ethical that. What even does that mean?

SC: “I, Donald Trump”

DT: Which is me.

SC: Yes.

DT: I, Donald Trump.

SC: “Do solemnly swear.”

DT: Do solemnly swear. So solemn.

SC: “That I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States.”

DT: That I will faithfully execute the Office of President of the United States. And also execute anyone who gets in my way.

SC:

DT: I’m just joking.

SC: Sir, did you just wink at the TV cameras?

DT: No I did not.

SC: You did it again.

DT: Nazis are bad.

SC: Can I get you some eyedrops?

DT: I have the best eyes.

SC: “And will to the best of my ability.”

DT: And will to the best of my ability. And I have a great ability, by the way, don’t worry. Let me tell you about my ab…

SC: “Preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

DT: Preserve, protect and defend the Corporation of Trump.

SC: Um.

DT: What.

SC: Constitution.

DT: That again?

SC: You’re supposed to say ‘Constitution of the United States’.

DT: And?

SC: You said something else.

DT: No I didn’t.

SC: I was right here.

DT: And now I am President. Party time!

SC: You can’t be President until you finish the oath properly.

DT: You’re fired.

SC: I’m the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. You can’t fire me.

DT: Says who?

SC: The separation of powers, Sir. It’s in the Con… Well. Look it would be easier if you just finished the oath.

DT: [sulks]

SC: And everyone will see how great you are at saying words.

DT: I am great at saying words.

SC: “Preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

DT: Preserve, protect and defend the… [mumbles]

SC: I can’t hear you.

DT: [quietly] But it’s BORING.

SC: Upholding the Constitution kind of important for your job.

DT: I fully divested from all my very successful businesses for this?

SC: Well, no.

DT: Okay, I didn’t do that but if I had and if my sons were not still running those businesses I would be very disappointed right now.

SC: Surely there’s enormous potential for corruption there?

DT: You saw that too, huh? Smart! This is a very exciting time for me.

SC:

DT: Think what you could do, head of the Supreme Court. You must be raking in the cash.

SC: We’re getting off track here… How about. Are you healthy, Mr Trump?

DT: So healthy. All the doctors say so. My bodily fuction – so good. My organs and my physiology are the best anyone has ever seen. My consitution is the best. I have…

SC: Your what?

DT: Constitution.

SC: Bingo. And you want to be President of where?

DT: The United States of A…

SC: That’ll do. “So help me God.”

DT: You don’t know the half of it.

SC: Congratulations, Mr President.

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