From The Hood: Home, And A Way

Auckland struggles to cope with its over-supply of advice on housing affordability…
by Lyndon Hood

Recently I’ve noticed a lot people want to buy a house in Auckland. We live in a pluralist society after all, so why not?

But the one thing even more popular than an Auckland house is offering advice on how to afford an Auckland house.

So, on the grounds it can’t be worse than some of the stuff that’s out there, here’s my three cents* worth.

[*Up 50% since 2013!]

Click for big version.

Already own a house in Auckland.

Note: the above does not exclude building a time machine and going back to buy a house in Auckland in 2008.

Get on the property ladder early. By ‘property ladder’ I mean literally a ladder. The cops will assume you’re a window cleaner or builder or something and you can sleep rent free!

Eat nothing but tuna and rice. It’s not very likely you’ll save enough money for a deposit by doing this, but worth a try on the off chance you start shitting out raw currency.

Maybe cut back on other luxuries. The money you millennials are always spending on life-sized golden statues of Justin Bieber and whatnot would be better in the bank.

Care about literally nothing but saving money for the real estate market. Ideally, when you look in the mirror you should see a house. Its windows are dark – the occupant has not connected electricity because they are saving to buy a house. They certainly don’t want to spend the rest of their lives in this dump.

Instead of paying rent, keep yourself warm with your outrage at opinion pieces written by baby boomers who seem studiously ignorant of the fact it’s quite a lot harder to buy a house these days.

Pirate a house over internet streaming social media.

Sure, just the increase in Auckland house prices last year was a third more than the median Auckland household income – but if you bio-engineered a deadly plague that would change pretty quickly.

Constantly refer to it as ‘Dorkland’ so nobody will want to live there.

Rob a bank. You definitely won’t get enough money to buy a house with, but the authorities will become very interested in taking care of your accommodation for the foreseeable future.

Conquer the Gallipoli Peninsula once and for all and declare it a special housing area. The commute to Auckland will probably be worth it.

That last one might sound far-fetched, but apparently it’s more politically palatable than intensified housing.

Reclaim land by taking everyone who wants young people to be able to own homes (but also wants their own house price to keep skyrocketing) and throwing them into the sea.

Folk songs of protest.

Negotiation tactics: Instead of cash, try bartering with your immortal soul. You might even get a bach thrown in!

Street theatre.

Build a house boat floating on the dry bones of politicians who tried to argue steeply rising house prices were a good thing.

Get some politicians without real estate portfolios lol.

Internet snark.

Got a desk job? Upload your personality to the cloud and sell all your organs for cash!

If we just let all the people who want to live in the middle of a city without being near any high density housing disappear up their own arses, that would free up a few sections.

According to Slavic folklore, Baba Yaga lives in a hut that walks around on chicken legs. It seems to me this would avoid the need to purchase land while also dealing with the commute. We should send Baba Yaga a Ministerial delegation to ask her how that works.

Rent continues to track well behind house prices, so maybe just rent for the rest of your life? Don’t think of it as insecure tenancy, think of it as downpayments on a chance to see your landlord’s face when the bubble bursts.

Take any advice you read in the media about how to afford a house in Auckland and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. While you’re at the place where the sun doesn’t shine, buy some property. It will probably be relatively inexpensive.

4 Comments on From The Hood: Home, And A Way

  1. The really sad thing is you’re right: this is better than most of the baby-boomer advice that’s out there.
    (Declaration of interest – I’m a baby boomer who, through sheer luck not hard work or brilliance, is lucky enough to own a house in Auckland. And the housing clusterfuck even pisses me off.)

  2. We forgot about these options too:
    Marry someone rich.
    Go sell your soul in the UAE for a few years and save.
    Buy a shoe box in a part of Auckland and spend three hours commuting every work day, just so you can say you own a house.

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