From The Hood : We Called Him Tortoise, Because He Deports Us

Australia and Other Nonsense
by Lyndon Hood

Australia has shown some interest in our flag process, and the fall of prominent user of the multiple current flags Tony Abbott may provide a chance to join in.

However (as I touched on earlier) what really needs updating is their national anthem. So having solved New Zealand’s flag issue I though I’d have a go. I realise this isn’t the full-blown panel-and-two-referendums process, but it can’t be worse.

If our shortlisted flag options are anything to go by, a popular choice would
a) be basically the same but
b) have one really obvious difference.

So what a new national anthem that has the same title, but it’s a poem? The famously Shakespearian blood-letting over Australia’s premiership made me think of a certain Mr Lear…

Advance! Australia fair!
It’s a nation that’s both free and young
(Excluding those already there –
On both counts – when it was begun).

Their state spending’s rather austere,
Which makes the economy hurt.
They’re getting the hang of good beer
And by sea they’re agreed to be girt.

Their great sport is PM-deposing;
They don’t have the Bledisloe Cup.
For those in strife across the ocean
They’ve boundless planes (to blow them up).

They’re proud of a thing they call ‘mateship’,
Which means helping those who are white:
If you’re fleeing for your life in a freight ship
They’ll probably worsen your plight.

Abbot’s big one-off refugee order
Won’t make up for his cut to their quota.
They claim their coast isn’t a border;
They didn’t invent the pavlova.

You would think that, what with their weather,
They’d do more on carbon emissions;
Though the place next door doesn’t do better
(It’s the same with refugee positions).

They make nicknames by ending with “——oh”
And forget there’s an NZ in ANZAC,
The can definitely keep Russell Crowe
If they give New Zealand our bands back.

It’s a land where a ‘thong’ is a jandal.
Its heart is in need of repair;
‘Til it dies like an untended candle
Advance! Australia Fair!

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