From The Hood : The Politician’s Song

A General description of a Major problem
by Lyndon Hood

Conservative Party supporters in each country [Australia, Canada and the UK] have noted with slack-jawed envy the electoral rewards brought by Key’s style and appeal to the centre-ground.”
— Toby Manhire, NZ Herald

SONG
To the approximate tune of Tom Lehrer’s ‘The Elements’

I am a perfect picture of the modern politic-i-an:
I don’t precisely have a plan so much as an ambition;
‘Say what will sound most pleasant to the public’ is my main dictum:
And when in doubt attack someone who already is a victim;
An ordinary bloke’s the very thing of which I have an air
(A reputation hard to get unless you are a millionaire);
I’ll offer quick solutions to each urgent crisis I invent –
Unless it’s in the future like climate change or retirement.

Unless it’s in the future like climate change or retirement
Unless it’s in the future like climate change or retirement
Unless it’s in the future like climate change or retirement
Retirement-tirement!

I’ll chastise all the poor but fill the trough where all of the sows are –
Pragmatically defer to those who already have the power;
In consequence my attitude might best be called patrician:
I am a perfect picture of the modern politician!

He’s chosen long ago between the lion and the Christian:
He is a perfect picture of the modern politician!

I ply my talking points with the precision of a surgeon
And when it come to facts I am entitled to my version;
If I am contradicted by a small or large amount of you
I’ll just claim I can find somebody who will give a counterview;
Between me and the media, their problem, on the whole, is
Reporting all the things I say detracts from human knowledge
But to pass by my utterance entirely they’d need to choose
A harder way to fill their several minutes in the evening news.

A harder way to fill their several minutes in the evening news
A harder way to fill their several minutes in the evening news
A harder way to fill their several minutes in the evening news
The-evening-news-evening-news!

My polls find, for each phrase I use, approval, or a lack of it;
And that’s what I’m concerned with, not with whether it is accurate;
You know how fast I’m spinning but you don’t know my pos-it-ion:
I am a perfect picture of the modern politician!

His angle on established facts is often non-Euclidean:
He is a perfect picture of the modern politician!

[Slowly] I try to keep to minor tweaks that make a major difference
But sometimes my friends’ requests are more radical or make less sense
Or I will push through each new power the cops or spies present to me
Or join a new world war to celebrate the First’s centenary:
If calculated chatter fails to make you view this pleasantly,
Or issues I thought Beltway really do interest the peasantry,
I shall make some slight concession but still say nothing’s gone wrong for me
And fall back on the perception I’m the best on the economy.

And fall back on the perception he’s the best on the economy
And fall back on the perception he’s the best on the economy
And fall back on the perception he’s the best on the economy
Economy-con-a-me!

I’ll telegraph a vexing plan some months before the date of it
So when it comes to Parliament you are all tired of hating it.
If you still choose to argue I’ll accuse you of sedition:
I am a perfect picture of the modern politician!

He’ll push it through in urgency and ignore your submission:
He is a perfect picture of the modern politician!

[Extremely fast] Sometimes between the trotting out of very vapid pleasantries
I use the apparatus of the state to smash my enemies:
The usual dubious sources may say doing this is sinister
But if you can’t, then what’s the point in being a Queen’s minister?
And if state secrets should appear in attack blogs cetacean
Inquiries that confirm it all I’ll claim as vindication,
So in the eyes of some – at least – I may receive an ac-quit-all‎:
It’s easy, if you have no shame or simply do not care at all.

It’s easy, if you have no shame or simply do not care at all
It’s easy, if you have no shame or simply do not care at all
It’s easy, if you have no shame or simply do not care at all
Care-at-all-air-it-all!

Convention constitutional is a tempest within a teacup:
You know the parts don’t fit but you will not spot where we stitched it up;
Between me and my hate machine there’s a paper partition:
I am a perfect picture of the modern politician.

He claims he wears a range of hats but not the one that fits him:
He is a perfect picture of the modern politician!

And if I wished to make myself a tyrant or become a Tsar
I’d do so, and explain that I’m still better than the others are;
The future is a brighter one in my inspiring vision:
I am a perfect picture of the modern politician.

And when the world begins to burn he will be the ignition:
He is a perfect picture of the modern politician!

Sing along

Click a link to play audio (or right-click to download) in either
MP3 format or in OGG format.

Based on MIDI found here. Or try this jaunty (though shorter) version.