Werewolf wasn’t paying close attention to the royal tour but we thought we’d have a go at the whole coverage thing anyway.
by Lyndon Hood
On Monday, the royals landed in New Zealand. Stepping out of the plane, the Duke of Cambridge was resplendent in his red Catherine Walker coat and matching pillbox hat by Gina Foster. He was also wearing a diamond and platinum silver fern brooch, on loan from the Queen. Baby George won the heart of the nation by exhibiting his impression of a disappointed Winston Churchill.
The Royal Family were then whisked away to the official welcome where, in deference to local tradition, they were presented with gifts of Krystal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece, jet planes, islands and tigers on a gold leash. At this point the family disappeared from the public eye for almost 48 hours. It’s possible they were concerned they might be classified as beneficiaries taking an overseas holiday, and decided to keep a low profile.
During this time Prime Minister John Key stated his belief there has been a resurgence of support for the monarchy in New Zealand. New Zealand concluded this was why he is currently proposing to change the flag – which symbolises ‘a colonial and post-colonial era whose time has passed.’ Probably, he wants to change it to a picture of a corgi wearing a bowler hat and a Union Jack waistcoat or something like that.
George’s company for Wednesday’s Plunket play date reflected New Zealand society by including ten toddlers from a variety of backgrounds and by excluding a further two toddlers, who were permitted to gaze mournfully through the window at the warmth and happiness within. The cross-section of New Zealand was completed by the presence of 69 sheep, 22 cows and 79¾ bankers. Baby George won the heart of the nation by briefly shucking his human skin and unhinging his jaw to devour three of his playmates. On Thursday the royal couple laid a wreath at the war memorial in Blenheim before visiting Peter Jackson’s plane collection. While at least one of the planes turned out to have a Nazi swastika on it, we can confirm that none of them were personally signed by Adolf Hitler.
On Friday the Duke and Duchess competed in a yacht race, having concluded that this was the most efficient form of transport available from the Auckland CBD. While in the city the royal couple also agreed to an unplanned and spontaneous stop for a cup of tea at the head office of Oravida. Saturday saw William and Kate in the Waikato, where they reportedly came ‘literally this close’ to several journalists. It was later discovered that several locals Prince William spoke with were cured of disease by the royal touch.
The Royal Family’s itinerary has been planned to highlight their host nations’s various attractions to foreign audiences. On Sunday the Duke and Duchess got close to nature with a dip in one of New Zealand’s scenic rivers. When Prince William accidentally ingested some of the water, the nation was also able to showcase its responsive emergency medical transport, its cost-efficient public health system and its world-class stomach-pumping technology.
William and Kate had a traditional New Zealand dinner on Monday night with John and Bronagh Key and their son Max. During the evening the royal couple were given a tour of the prime ministerial silly hat collection and Mr Key also advised the royals to be photographed with puppies at some point during the week. Opposition leader David Cunliffe was scheduled to cook for the royals dinner the following evening but cancelled. He did however release a topical policy, announcing cuts to the poshness tax to make it easier for hardworking New Zealanders to drive around in motorcades, greet adoring crowds and be gracious.
David Cunliffe may be allergic to puppies.
By Tuesday, new Morning Report presenters Guyon Espiner and Susie Ferguson began to suspect that this was all an elaborate practical joke and that for the rest of their careers the bit in the show where they describe the front pages of newspapers would be nothing but photos of Wills, Kate and George. Later that day Clarence House issued a press statement indicating satisfaction with how well the tour was going, while politely reminding everyone that it’s actually Charles who is next in line for the throne so don’t get too excited.
On Wednesday, their final day in New Zealand, Prince William wore a ‘sparkle and tweed’ skirt and top combo by expat designer Rebecca Taylor. This, along with the Emilia Wickstead number he had sported in Dunedin, put paid to complaints that the fashion-forward royal was ignoring local designers.
Onlookers at the royal couples’ public appearance in Wellington were charmed by their friendly and relaxed attitude. Particularly fetching was the sight of Prince William leaning to one side, casually propping up the credibility of a second-term government. The second-term government in question was at the same time propping up the institution of the monarchy so the whole business had much of the spectacle and all of the stability of a human pyramid.
The royals then departed from Wellington airport. Leaving us to discover, to our horror, that they had in fact been holding off all the rain. On arriving in Australia, George was presented with a life-size cuddly wombat, which probably serves him right.