Feline fantasies of fame fortune and bloody vengence
by Lyndon Hood
We propose, during this week, to eat, sleep, clean Ourself and to receive attention. Absent any developments in the Grand Plan, We may also engage in some vanishing-mysteriously-for-hours.
Subject returned home. Received attention from Subject. Purr purr purr.
A thought on Subject’s role in human society: Does that mean We are de facto leader of all local humans?
This does not count for much, in feline terms, but may be useful as a tiebreaker.
Another thought: If Subject died, which part of him to eat first?
Mister Bigpaws from across the road called and told Us to put on Parliament TV live stream. Normally avoid this ‘Internet’. Makes no sense. Pictures of cats with misspelled captions: Why? Come the execution of the Grand Plan, humans, permission to have a hamburger with cheese on it will be the least of your problems.
We can now see Subject, yet Subject is not feeding Us. Subject is being asked about MFAT ‘change consultants’. They have said acquiring another mouth too feed when you might be about to lose your job is a good idea – provided it is a pet and not a baby.
Subject seems to agree with this. Commendable. What reward? Perhaps We shall present subject with a mouse. It is obvious Subject cannot hunt to save self, needs all the help Subject can get.
Then Subject publicly professes belief that Our love for Subject is unconditional.
Success! Moving to Phase Four.
Internet actually quite interesting after all. But We feel ‘Invisible Children’ a better idea for a Dr Who episode than a charity. Proven fact humans consider freakiest thing ever to be disembodied children’s voices singing songs slightly too slowly. Also any toddler We can’t see is the stuff of Our nightmares.
When will we get some new Dr Who? Perhaps Subject can help. Subject has shown an interest in arranging television schedules.
Spent day preparing plan to rebalance Subject’s obligations and incentives. We understand the need for Subject is to receive Our love but this ‘unconditional’ arrangement is unusustainable. It is reasonable for Us to have certain expectations on how our affection is recieved.
Also, if Subject thinks Our love so far has been unconditional, We are interested to see what We can get away with in future.
Subject returned. Acquired lap.
Explained that from now on Our love will be granted on a if-you-stop-stroking-Us-or-try-to-stand-up-We-will-claw-out-your-groin basis.
After three hours Subject tried to dispute Our policy. But having been returned to Our position We mean to carry out our programme. Dug claws into subject’s thigh. Subject went back to patting Us.
Subject called for Diplomatic Protect Squad. Attempts to remove Us lead to Subject begging them to stop.
We understand that is what humans call ‘unconditional love’.
Received attention from Subject.
Purr purr purr.
Hour twelve. After much kneading, have got lap just right.
Permitted Subject a brief sleep. Possibly a mistake. Awakended Subject renewed claims our policy had unjustified side effects and spent morning trying to slide out from under Us. But it became clear that was not permitted.
On one occasion subject tried to move from the armchair without disturbing Us, by keeping legs in lap position and hobbling about the room bent double. This experiment, though no doubt amusing to watch, was regretfully terminated due to claws. Perhaps it will one day appear on ‘YouTube’.
Subject began arranging to conduct human business via telephone and laptop while patting Us at the same time. Which just goes to show Subject is capable of achieving something given the right incentives.
Towards evening sun entered lounge and struck armchair. Slept.
Wake to find Ourself on rapidly cooling hot water bottle.
This will not do at all.
Subject is displaying avoidance behaviours. These include not sitting down, backing out of rooms.
We have entered talks with Google on provision of automated warm seat/stroking service. Bigpaws insists We are taking enormous risk to trust something so important to a corporation subject to foreign law. He’s just sore because he had his hotmail hacked.
Sat on the windowsill and made chittering noises at birds. One day.