Rapture no-show deals serious blow to Labour’s election plans
By Lyndon Hood
Close friends say they are worried for Labour Leader Phil Goff, who is increasingly disappointed that predictions the world would end last weekend did not come true.
The destruction of the universe was widely considered Labour’s best chance of winning this year’s general election.
“He’s been distraught,” said one Goff confidante, “Just standing around on top of hills and flapping his arms with those sad little eyes of his turned up to the heavens.”
Recent unprecedented events – cited as signs of the impending apocalypse – included various natural disasters, the raising of the dead (Don Brash, Roger Douglas) and the way Labour policy has had some media coverage.
At his last press conference prior to the weekend Goff clarified that Labour were against the world ending “under this National-led government” and pointed out the hardship it would cause middle-class New Zealanders. However he would not commit to repealing the apocalypse if he won the election.
Other Labour MPs have also been involved in the plans for campaigning during the Last Days. For example, MP Kris Faafoi’s emergency post-rapture survival plan is said to involve surviving on manna from Mana.
Although Labour has been criticised for relying on “overly optimistic” predictions of God’s wrathful destruction of the sinful world, former Goff advisor John Pagani has defended the strategy on his blog.
“Were we really expecting God to end the world on Sunday? No. That would be ridiculous. But there are 185 days between now and the election.”
“When the Messiah returns John Key will be put in the abyss for 1000 years the Labour will become the natural party of Government. I’m sure Christ would back us. The Bible says there’ll be a millenium of rule by the elect group of saints, doesn’t it? How much more specific does it need to be?”
“We do think these things through, you know. Even if it turns out Key isn’t the beast or the antichrist – you can expect to see some scripture about that over the next few weeks – suppose he gets raptured? I’m 90 percent sure that with the right campaign Phil could win a general election against an empty pile of clothes.”
“Sure, the usual suspects go on about how unlikely it is, but think of the payoff. If Our Lord destroyed the world would be a total game-changer come November.”
It’s been a serious blow to Labour’s planning, but the failure of the end times to materialise seems to have hit its leader particularly hard. He still hopes the cleansing fire will come and scour the unbelievers from the earth some time in the next six months, but in the meantime a crushed Goff is “just trying to be the good politician he knows God wants him to be”.
“Phil was really looking forward to the apocalypse,” said a concerned friend, “Even if he didn’t turn out to be among the saved – during the last few months he’s often said he’d be happy if the earth would open up and swallow him.”