Lyndon Hood looks back at 2010 and feels reasonably satisfied
By Lyndon Hood
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Merry Christmas from Lyndon Hood’s Desktop
Tax working groups suggests moving the nation away from wild-consumer-spending consumption, towards Edwardian-waif-dying-picturesquely-while-coughing-up-bloody-mucus consumption.
Amid rumours Attorney-General Chris Finlayson seems ‘a bit down’, National MPs begin planning bills he can issue damning Bill of Rights reports against. That always perks him up.
Jeanette Fitzsimons leaves Parliament. New Green co-leaders declare withdrawal of Mother Earth’s protection over nation will cause “no problems” in forseeable future.
Schoolteachers propose national standards for Education Ministers.
Plans to dig up conservation land begin a miner kerfuffle.
Wellington Airport proposes to express the spirit of the local film industry with a big sign saying NON-UNIONISED LABOUR.
NZ endorses UN Declaration on the Rights of Indigenous Peoples in unexpected move that “totally wasn’t a secret it’s just that we went out of our way to stop you finding out.”
Government announces plans to deal with impending superannuation crunch by “Oh! Look over there! [smoke bomb] [sound of running feet]”
Budget 2010 undergoes last-minute revision as unnamed minister realises a ‘double-dip’ recession does not mean chocolate dip and sprinkles.
Government finally follows up initial round of tax cuts for the rich with tax cuts for the rich.
Deepwater Horizon oil disaster reminds Gerry Brownlee of some offshore drilling plans that had slipped his mind.
Chris Carter apologises for excessive use of travel allowance, and undertakes to fix things so no Labour MP can ever abuse a ministerial allowance again.
Much like the tides, the foreshore and seabed debate washes up a bunch of stuff we though we’d thrown out.
New regulation requires people who are still all like ‘these are just the kind of so-called nanny state policies you were complaining about when you were in opposition’ to be sent to bed without any supper.
Much like a dying star, the ACT party begins to implode, to eventually leave nothing but a red dwarf.
Chris Carter expelled.
Onlookers wonder if Canterbury earthquake emergency legislation grants the Executive too much power. Minister Gerry Brownlee dismisses these criticisms as “herecy”.
Lesson from this month: If the scandalous headline will include the phrase ‘dead baby’, give it a miss.
New Zealanders rise up at the prospect of a Narnia movie being filmed overseas, while actors call for boycott of Spartacus. Or something.
Auckland voters launch Super City by smashing a champagne bottle on the face of Rodney Hide.
Now that some time has passed and the fuss has died down: That Paul Henry came across as a bit of an asshole, eh?
Chris Carter expelled some more.
Police Commissioner joins chief Justice and Corrections CEO in expressing doubts about increasingly punitive justice policies. Leaves Select Committee hearing to find his car crushed and his office placed under private management.
Explosions in Pike River mine kill 29. After brief standoff with internal editor, satirist accepts there is nothing funny about this.
In a slip-up likely to derail future reform plans, PM John Key accidentally declares use of term ‘unsustainable’ unsustainable.
Pansy Wong resigns from Parliament. Rookie. Catch Chris Carter doing something like that? I don’t think so.
How many years does it take before it stops being ‘drought relief’ and starts being just a subsidy, anyway?
Julian Assange’s hair leaps to top of news agenda.