Simon is so powerful nobody’s allowed to argue with him
By Lyndon Hood
I, Simon James Power, hearby swear before God and Man that I shall never shave until I have reformed every aspect of the New Zealand justice system. Yea, from moving towards inquisitorial evidence for particular crimes, even unto the colour of ink required for conveyancing forms.
I do not take this vow lightly. My vision has always been total reform. Facial hair will simply serve as a physical manifestation of my determination, and an encouragement to haste. Especially during that itchy stage.
I know the current system is the product of centuries of evolution towards fair and principled justice, but I really want to get the whole thing done before the election, because you never know. Lesser men might settle for incremental, well-thought out changes. Me, I don’t want to just be remembered as’ the cuddliest Minister of the fifth National Government’.
Therefore shall I abjure the razor until I have unmade the court system and rebuilt it in my image.
It’s like I said in my speech, more courts and judges are sticking plaster solutions for serious systemic problems. Besides, we need to make things cheaper so we can pay for all those extra prisons.
None shall thwart me! Least of all those lawyers and judges with their degress and their ‘knowledge’ and ‘experience’, their histories of jurisprudence, their ‘natural justice’ and their ‘things are that way for a reason’. Drinking their snooty cocktails and not talking to me at parties. Stealing my lunch money. I’ll show them!
BWAH -HA! HA HA HA HA!!!!
Screw those guys. I’m gonna go with my gut on this one.
And they should be grateful: If I wanted to be be really efficient we could just convict everybody who got accused of a crime. Except of course we can’t because… There’s probably some reason. MEMO TO SELF: Check this out – might be really good idea. I mean, as a group everyone calls defendants ‘criminals’, so it’s not much of a change.
It’s all very well to talk about the need for fair trials, but the pendulum has swung too far. What about the public’s right to a good show? What about the victims right to have whatever random bastard ends up on trial convicted?
It’s obvious to everyone New Zealand’s justice system needs to be more victim-friendly. Possibly if we went looking for data to back this up, we might find the opposite – so it’s just as well it’s so obvious. Besides: political statistics? I’ll just divide whatever the number are by the GDP and subtract inflation or something.
But because I’m also all for coherent and consistent systems, I’m gonna make the media call them “alleged victims” until the defendant is found guilty.
Some of my reforms may seem radical, but they are the result of long thought and careful consultation. Except for the ones that just seem like a good idea at the time, or that I came up with by opening a legal dictionary at random.
But let’s be clear: I am open to ideas.
For example I’m not sure how to go about completely overturning the established traditions of Tort Law. Except there definitely should be a bit near the beginning explaining it’s not got anything to do with cakes.
But openness does not lessen my determination to fulfil my destiny. You might have noticed my oath’s deliberate echoing of Harald Fairhair, who the sagas say swore never to comb or cut his hair until he was the sole king of Norway. The ‘Fairhair’ refers to how he looked after wards.
Similarly I shall after my triumph be popularly known as ‘Simon Smoothface’, though the official histories will call me ‘Simon the Reformer’. Prior to that, I’m thinking ‘Simon Beardyman’.
The fact that I am a ZZ top fan has nothing to do with it.
Again I declare: Never shall I let blade touch my chin all this system of earthly justice is reformed!.
Simon James Power, by the Grace of God Her Majesty’s Minister of Justice, on this 27th day of August in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Ten.