From the Hood: Striking Comedy Gold

Government To Mine Rich Vein Of Irony

by Lyndon Hood

Wellington, 28 July – Energy Minister Gerry Brownlee has announced the discovery “significant” quantities of irony underlying the Parliament area of Wellington. He said the Government plans to exploit these to “the maximum possible extent”.

The multiple layers of irony, which have been laid down over many decades, also contain commercial quantities of shamelessness, arrogance and delusion.

“Our consultation on mining in national parks has given us a mandate to proceed full speed with mining in other areas,” said Brownlee, showing off a sample to the press gallery.

“We already knew there were low-value deposits of foresight, good governance and democracy,” said Brownlee, referring to previous test cores taken in the beehive lawn, “But it turns out that was just a veneer. Get past that and it’s irony all the way down. Which proves what I always say: if you’re in a hole, keep digging.”

The plans have provoked immediate controversy, with large sectors of the population insisting that this is not technically irony.

“I know many people are emotional about this,” said Brownlee, “When we talk about irony they remember Alannis Morrisette. Nobody wants that. But unless they’re prepared to give up their sarcasm and their classical tragedy, they should stop complaining about our plans to extract maximum irony by levelling Wellington.”

“This Government has many more exciting plans going forward for a step-change the New Zealand economy,” he added. “To keep up at the rate we’re going, we’ll need every ounce of irony we can get. As it is we used up a year’s supply just banning cellphones in cars. Y’know, considering all that ‘nanny state’ stuff we said before it was us in Government.”

Most of the irony is found in the Parliamentary precinct and experts agree it cannot be removed unless every building there is completely destroyed.

The Historic Places Trust has voiced concern at the plan, as some of the structures have heritage value, and the complex performs a useful democratic function.

Minister of Local Government Rodney Hide, who would have responsibility for the consents process, brushed aside this objection.

“‘Useful democratic function’?” said Hide. “That’s not irony. That’s just an oxymoron.”

ACT MP John Boscawen rebutted assertions that, with worldwide irony at unprecedented levels, it is dangerous to unearth more.

“Global irony is decreasing,” he said. “Records show it peaked 2004, when George W Bush was re-elected.”

Boscawen was placed on ACT’s list after organising a march “for democracy” (about smacking). Now, Local Government Minister Rodney Hide is his party leader.

Prime Minister John Key, who claims that by ‘changes to Schedule 4’ he meant making it bigger, emphasised the benefits of more freely-available irony.

He cited a recent survey which found that 99.2% of parliamentarians suffered from irony deficiency and the other one was unavailable for testing.

Ironising the economy would also leave future Governments free to use correct spelling.

“For too long now, we’ve had to subistitute a ‘c’ for ‘r’ because there wasn’t enough irony to go round,” said Key.

“I believe in a nation where we can call them what they are: an Ironic Cycleway Stretching the Length of New Zealand, an Ironic Structure for Auckland’s Waterfront, that kind of thing.”

The Thorndon deposit will add to the rich irony sands already discovered in the foreshore and seabed.