From The Hood : Some more of me polemics

The author is reincarnated into the body of a free verse poet

By Lyndon Hood

archey's frog
Archey’s Frog (no relation) has also been in the news.

***

“What will this package do? Let us think about the young couple that have recently got married. They earn $50,000 each … “
– Prime Minister John Key during the Budget debate

“You’ll get a young couple, they get married, they both earn $50,000 each, they may have just left university, whatever it might be … “
– John Key on Campbell Live

Pretty Average

Before you ask, no: I’m not jealous
About what John, Bill and Peter tell us;
But just now everyone seems to be
fixated on those fifty Gs.

Now nothing about that wage
Particularly fills me with rage:
I don’t come with bad things to say
About people who earn fifty K.

It’s just that I’m wondering how
John settled on that fifty thou –
And here’s why I find it a riddle:
Fifty thousand is not near the middle;
And that’s why I cannot quite stand
For this business with people on fifty grand.

As a household, two of them (perhaps they’re engaged?)
Beat the middle (I think) by a minimum wage.
Forget ‘means’ or ‘medians’, whichever way
You cut it you’ll never reach that fifty K.

The PM knows the colour of the collars
Of those that earn fifty thousand dollars
But one thing that may not be clear to him
Is how few of us are in fact wearing them.

So what has come of his unsurpassed
Concern about that underclass
(And they way he would, when expressing such
Claim it was others who were out of touch)?

When it come to that fortunate house and
Its two times people on fifty thousand
The few that we’re giving what they need to thrive
Are just about bang on the top one in five.

But now everybody is getting a tax cut
(And everyone’s paying more tax) but
This poem’s not (mostly) concerned with the tax
Our Prime Minister adds or subtracts:
On this occasion my interest resides
In where he divides:
And the word from our grandees and wallahs
Is, “Let them eat fifty thousand dollars!”

***

“I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t say whether it will be 10 percent, 20 percent, but I would expect a marked reduction once the policy is fully in place.”
— Act MP Garret, asked what effect the three strikes law would have on crime in the next five years.

Earlier in the week, I was astonished to find a cockroach industriously clambering onto my desk. Before I recovered from my shock it had made its way to my keyboard and begun to determinedly fling itself against the keys:

well boss i am back i have been in
the future or rather i see
i am not back i
seem to have undershot the return leg
you will have to do nice
action on this keyboard anyhow

the big news in the future is someone who thought
a plan to lock a small fraction of the criminals
up for their repeated sins
of omission and comission throwing away
the key would reduce crime by ten
or twenty per
cent before the locking up for longer bit of
the plan even
kicks in turned out to be
wrong exclamation mark
also for various reasons that were
explained at the time it
made things worse did he
ever look like an
idiot though he contrived not to
feel like one in the future
scientists have discovered that most crimes
are committed by people rather than
criminals boss i do not
have a crystal ball either but if i did
i would use it to knock some sense into
that guys head violence
never taught anyone anything but since yours truly is
a cockroach for the term
of his natural and unnatural
life he is above such humane considerations i
am a desperate cockroach beyond redemption sometimes
you just have to act from you digestive system especially
if youre lacking in brain cells but
thats not a good way to make policy period see i might not
do punctuation but i know about sentences

boss further on in the future it is mostly
cockroaches the warm
is good for us so keep
it up they greeted me as aS A KI WAit wHaT Is This /QUESTION MARKafdtyukigo90

The little creature had, of course, accidentally tripped the Caps Lock. Seeing the result, it stopped suddenly, briefly experimented, then began to examine that key with every appearance of deep concentration.

What emotions were rising in the soul of this tiny poet I cannot, unfortunately, report.

Transfixed, it was slow to notice it was being stalked by the stray cat which recently adopted our office. Too late, the insect fled, and might have got away, but its chosen method of escape was to try to actually climb inside the keyboard. If you’re familiar with a modern computer you’ll appreciate that this was not possible.

The last few letters are due to the cat as it chased the cockroach across the keyboard, then caught and ate it. And so whatever potential this curious creature – admittedly quite distasteful and possibly dangerous – had, remained undiscovered.

There’s probably an allegory for something in there. But I report this as a curiosity for naturalists, sadly now beyond the realms of scientific study.

****

“I don’t think she was hurt, I don’t feel like there was anything I did that caused that… What other people have chosen to do after her putting herself in the media was certainly harsh at times and not something I would entertain at all.”
– Paula Bennett on her release of an individual’s benefit details.

I shot an arrow in the air
I came down on the Minister of Welfare.

**** ENDS ****