Suddenly the Government’s strategy makes sense
By Lyndon Hood
FROM: GRAND RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY GHQ
TO: POLITICAL 1, NEW ZEALAND, SECTOR NJ18934 EARTH
SUBJECT: ONGOING ASCENDANCY
DATE: FIRST QUARTER, 2010 (YOUR TIME)
CLASSIFICATION: EYES ONLY
Your quest for local domination goes well. Reports left-leaning voters remain in the minority. However, individuals remain active, and large populations could re-emerge.
We agree it is time to move the Eradication phase. However, public execution is not REPEAT NOT preferred method. Fewer repercussions, more efficient to cull left-wing population through annoyance-induced medical conditions, as heart/kidney failure, apoplexy.
New motto: Left-wing blood pressure, up up up!
* REALLY STUPID POLICIES
Do thing kind of thing that really annoys them, for no good reason. Then, do it again.
Plenty of options here. Can solo parents be mined for coal?
If worried a particular stupid policy may be unpopular with wider electorate, just relate it to your main themes. If that relation is also stupid, this will just make your targets the more annoyed: “Our mandatory impregnation policy is needed to help recover from nine long years of economic mismanagement and also for public safety.” That kind of thing.
Ruling Council is struck by your Earth phrase ‘Don’t scare the horses’. We understand this to mean that when making your sudden, radical changes, you should do so quietly, while someone the horses like stands in front of the horses and makes soothing noises.
The word “unsustainable” is your friend here.
Incorrect: “If your policy is based on terror of rising crime, doing things that would actually reduce crime is UNSUSTAINABLE.”
Correct: Of anything that doesn’t produce profit for the Government, e.g. the normal business of Government, excluding gathering taxes: “The Department of Conservation is losing three million dollars a week managing some plants and birds and stuff. This is UNSUSTAINABLE.” Do not use this term to refer to tax cuts.
Try to give impression of backing down in the face of any public opposition, or being thrown into disarray, while actually carrying on regardless.
Also, try some obvious dishonesty. Example: Carefully conceal something, then when it comes out, claim there was no secrecy.
It’s not that leftists require a higher standard of truth, it’s just that they already hate you and they’ll be paying attention. Everyone else will be more relaxed, understanding they’re not expected to believe such a self-evident lie.
Something there to vex targets from visceral to most pointy-headed.
* DOING THINGS THEIR LOT MIGHT HAVE CONSIDERED, EXCEPT THEY WERE AFRAID OF WHAT YOU’D SAY
“Sour Grapes” might be appropriate term. But we understand you ‘wine’ is made from rotten grapes? DO NOT give them wine. It may be good for their cholesterol.
Act as if your most bitter complaints about the previous Government – overriding liberty, individual rights, natural justice, good legislative process Democracy and the voice of the people while interfering in the public service and cozying up to Maori interests, etc etc – were because you WANTED TO GO FURTHER.
Then choose the most “nanny state”-ish of these policies, and have the entity who managed the above complaining campaign be the Minister in charge of them. This will doubly annoy the left, at the same time as giving you ‘a bit of a giggle’.
Further to the Democracy thing: We will in due course require extensive flat area for landing. Obviously, would be easier if this area has no Local Government.
As noted above, work towards sensible solutions to the race relations problems your vicious campaigning caused previously.
At the correct moment we will require you to endorse the United Nations Declaration on the Rights Of Indigenous Peoples. Best if you don’t know why. This may hamper you ability to convincingly explain your actions, but if you bring out the soothing-horse-man, it should be fine. Just make something up.
The details of your excuse should be incoherent. ‘We thought it was a good idea’ will not do. A chance to nitpick side-issues will cause your targets useful angst, without improving their public standing in any way.
To signal when the time for this declaration-endorsement has come, we will detonate the unpronounceable volcano.
Take credit for anti-nuclear policy on world stage.
Make it fashionable to call opposition useless. This will encourage them to be ignored, and nobody will notice when the heart attacks start. Opposition do not need to actually be useless for you to do this, though it will enhance the effect. But why am I telling you that? It is like teaching my Grandmother to suck eyeballs.
Speaking of heart attacks, find some way to convince political left the way to reconnect with the working man is pies.
We have no recommendations on the management of the Auckland unification, but would point out that it is annoying EVERYONE. However, your pet is doing well criticising climate change science. As next step, he should do the wiggly finger-quote thing every time he says ‘evolution’.
Once you have done all this, sit back and listen to the veins popping.
All hail Praxgor!
Left-wing blood pressure, up up up!
REPEAT NOTE CLASSIFICATION: EYES ONLY [RESTRICTED TO ENTITIES THAT ARE, LITERALLY, JUST EYES]. ONGOING LOWER LEVEL LEAKS NOT ACCEPTABLE. FUTURE BREACHES MAY RESULT IN SUSPENSION OF ELECTRICITY SUPPLY, TRAIN SERVICES ON ESCALATING SCALE PER SCHEDULE KW187B.
PS Stay away from those tea party people in the US. Frankly, even Central Command thinks they’re a bit loopy.
PPS What does this ‘left wing’ refer to anyway? We understood you people couldn’t fly.
PPPS You received with previous instructions a scroll held shut with seven (7) blobs of wax. I hope you understand now why we told you to LEAVE IT ALONE.