From the Hood: Boraxing poetical

Odes for the malodorous

by Lyndon Hood

DATING CARBON

mining: gerry brownlee, stuck in a hole

How many dates in a scone?”
– Gerry Brownlee on estimates of untapped mineral wealth.

The debate on this matter is rather intense
(Among those who keep track of Currant events).
The nub of the question – I may have it wrong –
Regards the proportion of Dates in a Scone.

When it comes to assessing potential mates
I’m not – I confess it – a great one for Dates.
Instead, I hang out (as a New Zealand male)
Somewhere near her, which works (or more commonly, fails).

But to move to the point this debate hinges on,
I’m also not fussed about Dates in my Scone.
I prefer jam and cream (with a nice cup of tea)
It’s what’s on the Scone that’s appealing to me.

And if, as may be, there arises dispute
Regarding the exact percentage of Fruit
It seems quite extreme methods must be employed –
Dismantled, or devoured, the Scone is destroyed.

What’s the Principle our Government’s working from?
“The people have no Nature!” “Then let them eat Scone!
Environments all get wrecked sooner or later.
Now pick up that spade and collect me more Data!”

From his keenness our Gerry, I think, estimates
That the Scone is constructed entirely of Dates.
(For all I know that talking point’s planned for tomorrow;
Like the Dates, I’ll find that, too, impossible to swallow.)

In these Accounts, I submit, something’s been lost;
They’ve got oodles of Income and none of the Costs,
Not even Financial. (And – perhaps some relation –
missing too, any Minister of Conservation.)

We’d not accept Benefits so much inflated,
Perhaps, while the Pit-falls remain un-debated
If instead of some ‘Dates’ buried under the ground we
Were speaking of a Date with one Gerry Brownlee.

But of course we will eat our Scones, that’s what they’re for:
Unlike Pristine Environments, we can make more.
In Baking’s case, not others, it might be true
We can indeed have a Scone, and eat one too;

But think what would become of you if, for a lark
You did dig a bunch of holes in Eden Park?
Or Surgically counted – if you owned, or seized her –
The number of Dates in the Mona Lisa?

***

A FARWELL TO WELFARE

“The dream is over.”
– Paula Bennet on welfare changes.

I had a dream,
If I might share,
Some time ago;
It was quite queer:

Where people thought
(And also voiced)
Those with no money
Weren’t so by choice.

Instead of to
Survive, they’d give
To needy folk
So they could live.

Enough for help
In all thoses messes
Making ladders
To successes.

(And in my dream
Those who’d climbed them
Didn’t pull them
Up behind them.)

They weren’t (“To show
How much we care”)
Forced into jobs
That were not there,

And work was found
Using this test:
Not first to hand
But suited best.

(The word for that
Now escapes me.
Oh, that’s right: Pro-
Ductivity.)

The people there
Would not (the dolts!)
Let children starve
For parents’ faults.

I had a dream
Where poverty
Was thought a thing
That shouldn’t be.

And in that dream
(I was surprised!)
One could be poor
And not despised.

I had a dream –
As is the deal
With dreams (and hopes),
It wasn’t real.

***

A POLICY SHANTY

“… I can also confirm that the reason for the delay in releasing the report for the last few months is that we have been trying to find quotes of Phil Goff standing up in Cabinet and rejecting the 74 applications for mines that his Labour Government approved.”
– John Key in Parliament, on the Government’s mining plan.

So you want to mine the green-oh
Sing public opposi-tion
But nobody else is keen-oh,
The people aren’t in favour
Wait a week – or thirteen-oh!
Delay the poli-sea

On the sly you could prob’ly have got up to more,
Sing public opposi-tion
Like that boundary-shifting you did before,
The people aren’t in favour
But you already said you’ve a policy in store.
Delay the poli-sea

Don’t use the time to get more advice
Sing public opposi-tion
Some say information’s always nice
The people aren’t in favour
But it might cause you to think twice.
Delay the poli-sea

Don’t use the time to make your plans
Sing public opposi-tion
More in line with where the public stands
The people aren’t in favour
Doesn’t public opinion do tricks on demand?
Delay the poli-sea

Don’t change you mind on that, Sir
Sing public opposi-tion
Make a talking-point schedule exact, Sir
The people aren’t in favour
And make some NEW facts, Sir
Delay the poli-sea

If people think you’re wrong, mate
Sing public opposi-tion
Change the words of your song, mate
The people aren’t in favour
But the tune stays the same all along, mate
Delay the poli-sea

Here the diggers are waiting for a day to start
Sing public opposi-tion
Tearing the ground, like good planning, apart
The people aren’t in favour
Can’t fault your courage, just your brain and your heart.
Belay that poli-sea.

ENDS